Leaving letters

Today I was talking with a friend. She mentioned that when she was growing up she loved finding little notes to her from her stepmother, J--in her lunch box, in a box of cereal, inside her backpack. J worked full time as a professor and this was one way of connecting with her kids when she couldn't be there. For my friend, the lasting memory was that moment of glee, in finding something unexpected from someone who so completely loved her and told her so often.

Recently J received a cancer diagnosis, a blow to their family world. My friend has decided (in addition to giving support with rides and visits and food) to sneak into J's house and leave notes in her cereal box, makeup case, purse. To give her that moment of glee in finding something unexpected from someone who so completely loves her. Full circle, now.

It reminded me of an article I chanced upon in Esopus magazine about a dad who wrote daily letters to his two children. According to the Esopus 10 website, "exhibition designer Robert Guest has been getting up at dawn every school day for the past 15 years to write a note to each of his two children, Joanna and Theo. Included in Esopus 10 is a sampling of the thousands of letters written by Guest and collected by his wife, Gloria, from lunchboxes and laundry piles." Here's the text from one of them (above left):

"The world Joanna--you can't imagine how beautiful it really is. Think of the different places--tropical islands, snow-capped mountains, deserts of sand, miles and miles of green fields. It's awesome! Think of the kinds of weather--bitter cold - blinding sun - stormy wind and rain - cool breezes - warm winds. It's awesome! Think of the people in the world --black & brown, yellow and red, and white - old, young and babies of each. It's awesome! And just think. You get to be here in the middle of it all. So what do you do? You smile, you say "thanks" and you live! Love, Dad"

Every once in a while, I come across an idea that makes me wish I could go back and start parenting all over again. Looking through a couple of these letters, this is one of those ideas (click on the above photo to get a closer look). What I love about these is that they aren't just about his love for the children (which of course is important) but it's also about sharing his thoughts and perspectives about the world and life.

Luckily, it's not too late to write something, even if it's not the fantastic, letter-a-day idea. Maybe starting with notes or drawings on napkins. Or a yearly letter. Or a shared notebook to exchange thoughts we might not be able to say face-to-face. Or a post-it.

Here's what I believe: Writing it down has power and longevity, more than the earnest lectures on responsibility or the new shiny birthday bike. Those tucked messages to our kids eventually nestle in pockets and fists and musty shoeboxes carried from home to apartment and home again to be pulled out and remembered. Or at least that's what I do with mine.

p.s. This is cross-posted at Letters to a Parent today (but I wrote it last week when I didn't have writer's block).  I haven't pitched/fished for essay submissions to Letters to a Parent for a while so here goes:  Please consider sharing your encouragement or a lesson learned or a belief about parenting on this project, a collection of letters and essays by parents and for parents about the joys and challenges of raising kids.  I'd love to hear from you!

Comments

[andrea]

you have given me a stroke of inspiration. i will email you because i'd like further opinion.

[dayna]

oh this is beautiful. i think the best time for me to start is next fall when joel goes to school. my mom always did--and still does--stow away notes for me to find. i love it.

[calibosmom]

I love this! I have written a few letters to each of my kids but they haven't read them yet. I like the idea of saying something sweet to them everyday...because they hear enough barking from me already.

[Bridget]

What a great idea. I have those moments of wanting to rewind and incorporate this great parenting ideas from the start. I do notes in lunch boxes but never thought of just leaving them other places too. What a fabulous idea.

[seven smiles]

I LOVE and BELIEVE IN this, too.
With my first, I left little post-it notes in his school lunch for about the first 3 years. By then, I had 3 more kids so I lapsed in the lunch department, but still sporadically leave little notes on a different child's pillow here and there. They are just silly little notes that I'm pretty sure they are not saving in a dusty shoebox; but still, I think it has meaning. The little things you think they'll forget over time, are the ones they surprisingly remember. A few times I've left clues on someone's pillow leading them to other clues and then leading them to a little surprise, and recently, I made a special secret FHE treat, when one child couldn't have the treats the other kids were having. The thing that was great about it, is that I didn't just grab something else out of the cupboard and say, "here, this will do." He knew that I thought of him ahead of time and planned something special for him. It was silly really, but so worth the little bit of extra effort.
(Sorry about the novelette...)

[diane]

One of the things I love about having a child on a mission are the letters and e-mails. Many friends find it so sad that we won't see our son for 2 years and only speak to him bi-annually. But one of the blessings of letters is that my sons have shared their thoughts and feelings with us. We write things in letters that we may be uncomfortable saying. I've gotten to know my boys better. It's the best.

[Nells-Bells]

my mom did this to me. i would find notes in my drawers, lunch box, etc. i often think of those notes she would leave and how much they mean to me. i love your post! wish i could be so eloquent. :)