Love note

I enjoyed this letter that was featured yesterday on Letters of Note. Since I have a daughter with a bit of a sad heart this week, I thought I'd post it here. I like to think of it as John Steinbeck's version of liner notes, writing about love to his son Thom who was away at school.

. . .

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply—of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it—and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone—there is no possible harm in saying so—only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another—but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

. . .

Speaking of love, I am pretty giddy to hear that Once (remember how much I loved the movie?) is opening as a musical on Broadway next month. I predict an adventure to the big city in the next few months. Anyone want to join me? Though as my friend Jen noted, we will miss Glen Hansard and his lovely Irish voice.

Liner Notes 40-46 : Things I apparently forgot to say

40. To determine when to flip pancakes, wait until the edges set and start to bubble. Cook them on medium to make sure that the middle gets done and the outsides don't burn*

41. Check the bottom of dishes to see if they're microwave safe. Otherwise, you might explode your roommate's bowl when you're cooking lunch for that boy you know.*

42. Sometimes awkward people will overstay their welcome or make you feel uncomfortable with their lack of boundary respect.* Not everyone reads social cues very well or wants to get the message. Be kind and compassionate while also finding a way to be firm and stand up for yourself and your discomfort. No, I'm sorry you can't come into our apartment right now. We're all studying/busy/have plans.  Or we feel uncomfortable when you show up alone at all hours and expect to hang around our apartment...maybe next week we can all get together with a group. 

43. Staying up really late will catch up with you eventually. Case in point, 3:30 a.m. is too late to stay out, weekend or no.* I'm pretty sure most people will back me up here.

44. Sometimes the hype about attending the football game makes the actual game a disappointing let down.* This applies to most over-blown hype. It's hard to live up to.

45. It's a good idea to double check where your classes are held to make sure you'll be at the right place the first day.* When you realize your mistake and read where the class really is, it's a good idea to note the right building so you don't rush into the wrong classroom a second time.*

46. When serving guests breakfast and you have only a couple of dishes, consider giving the guests the plates and serving from the pans, not the other way around.* :)

. . .

With the first of my children having left home this fall, I'm writing occasional Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

*actual events in the life of my freshman...small hiccups that will just provide fodder for good liner notes of her own someday. Lauren is having a fantastic time so far and seems to be making the most of every minute. I love hearing about her great new friendships and adventures and almost constant hostessing. We miss her but love knowing she's happy in her new setting.

Do you have any great freshman disaster stories?

. . .

Facing West by The Staves

Yes, my heart faces west at least several times a day. 

Liner notes 27- 39: College edition

Lauren in an impossibly empty bookstore. 

27.  Dream big*. I think those dreams were planted inside you for a reason. Listen to them, shoot high, and buckle down and make it work. We believe in you.

28.  Browse the university book aisles to find classes/ideas/subjects you might love to take next semester. Oh, and buy the used books as much as you can, keep the receipts, and sell back the ones you don't need longer term (that's probably four in one but this is my list so I'll multiply if I want to :).

29. Ask questions. Literally, in class. You never know unless you ask. Go ahead, raise your hand.

30. Make connections. Between ideas and different classes you take. And, especially, with people: professors, friends, fellow students. And us, your family. Still connect with us :) 

31. Take advantage of these four years*. They're unique and pretty much all about you. Fill 'em up.

32. Be silly sometimes. Have a blast.

33. Learn from your mistakes. You'll make them. It's okay.

34. Take some classes Just Because. Even if they don't count a bit toward your major or graduation. Now's your chance to take ballroom dance/moral philosophy/flower design/golf/whatever.

35. Sit up front now and then.

36. Start those term papers early. Bit by bit is better. Just trust me on this: everyone thinks they can crank out a paper in one procrastinated all-nighter. I'm here to tell you that it will show.

37. Don't walk by yourself after dark. Pretty please.

38. Ask more questions.  Nudge your assumptions, look at things from another perspective, open up to other ideas/explanations/approaches.

39. Remember how very much we love you. We do. We really, really do.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few weeks  this week, I'm writing occasional (weeklyish) Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

* Borrowed from Lee Woodruff's advice to her son when he left for college. Check out her terrific series of posts about sending a child to college: preparing, dropping off, and recovering. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Liner notes 21-26

21. Find and emulate good mentors. Personal mentors, spiritual mentors, academic and professional mentors--whether in person or distant, they light the way toward the person you were meant to be. Wonder about what makes them so terrific. Notice what makes them tick, what their habits are. Use those things as a pattern for your own self. (Then, of course, thank them for their inspiration.) 

22. On a related note, sometimes you have to fake it 'til you make it/make a leap of faith. Not all the time. But every once in a while, you'll feel kind of like an imposter when you first _______ (become a parent, start a job, graduate from college, fulfill a calling). It's okay; make the first steps, get out there and the way will appear beneath you (thank you, Kierkegaard and Raiders of the Lost Ark).  

23. Learn a little ballroom dancing. You never know when you'll be invited somewhere (wedding? ball? inauguration?) that it'll come in handy. But until then, when in doubt on the dance floor and some kind of ballroomish dancing is required, just step forward together, side together, back together, side together, making a kind of square.

24.  Sunscreen, baby. Every single time.

25. Embrace a little fear. Do it anyway. Recognize it as a little signal that you're giving yourself the chance to grow.

26. Read the paper, listen to the news, be able to discuss issues intelligently. Get your information from lots of sources, not just the ones that confirm what you already thought you knew. When you don't agree with someone, be willing to listen to their point of view and articulate yours with respect and kindness.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few weeks, I'm writing occasional (weeklyish) Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

. . .

photo from Lilibet Circus Child via 

Liner notes 16-20

16. Enthusiasm is cooler than cool is. Go all in.

17. Righty tighty. Lefty loosey.

18. Value experiences over things. You've heard this; it's one of our family's informal mottos. If you have the chance to see the world through someone else's eyes, to enrich and expand and even challenge what you already know, take it. It's one of the important things we're here to do.

19. A little mystery is a good thing. Shut the bathroom door, for instance.

20. If you see someone you know, go say hi.

. . . 

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few months, I'm writing occasional (weeklyish) Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

. . .

photo of Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong by Phil Stern, 1952

Liner notes 11-15

  

11. Save the day with laughter. Another great grandma Brockbank classic, her mothering motto can apply to so many situations. And your laugh is particularly contagious...

12. Everyone feels shy/awkward/insecure sometimes, especially in new situations. Introduce yourself, smile, shake hands, make eye contact. 

13. Offer to help with the dishes. You'll be amazed at the effect on roommates and (eventually) potential in-laws.

14. It's not all about you. To find yourself, lose yourself.

15. Any sentence that begins "no offense but..." or "I hope this doesn't offend anyone..." probably will. Be thoughtful about whether you need to say it at all.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few months, I'm writing occasional Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

Liner Notes 6-10

 

6. Be on time. You knew I was going to say that, didn't you?

7. Fix it and forget it. Sure, take time to look nice. Do your hair, fix your makeup. Feel confident about how you look. And then here's the key:  forget about it. Focus on other things than how you look from there on out.

8. Wear a robe as needed (via your honorary aunt Christie's hard-earned wisdom).

9. The left lane of the freeway is for passing. Or at least for going fairly lickety split, not moseying or going the same speed as the car next to you.

10. Always go to the funeral.  Here's why.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few months, I'm writing occasional Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.)

. . .

photo via sapling press

Liner Notes 2-5

 

2.  Never get your hair cut in the midst of an emotional crisis or on the day of a big event.  Haircuts, like guns & new hiking boots, need at least a 5-day waiting/breaking-in period. 'Nuf said.

3. If you're going to do it anyway, you might as well skip over the complaining and just do it cheerfully. This is closely related to your great-great grandmother's saying that has trickled down through the ages: be pretty if you are, be witty if you can, but be cheerful if it kills you.

4. Don't expect mind reading.  As much as it would be lovely for boyfriends, husbands (though I expect you'll have just one), friends, roommates, and work colleagues to have the capacity to read your mind, life is happier when you express your expectations (or even lower them!).  A well-placed "what-I'd-really-love-for-my-birthday" is much better than a disappointment-drowned day, complete with baffled and well-meaning loved ones. Speak up, my dear.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few months, I'm writing occasional Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.)

Feel free to chime in with your own in the comments, please! 

Photo: sisters in the kitchen (via Duke University Collection, 1980 by William Gedney)

Liner notes to growing up: 1

Exactly three months from today Lauren starts college. I just did a little heart skipping gasp there as I wrote that. Do you know what you do when you have three months left to impart what little wisdom about the world you've acquired? You panic a little. You wonder if you've done enough. 

Recently I realized that Miss L actually reads this blog now and then (hi Laurengirl!) and so I thought I'd direct a few entries (maybe weekly on Wednesdays?) to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up (both trivial bits and major advice). 

I'm calling this liner notes because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. 

 1. Thank you notes really are essential.  Don't cash the check, use the gift, or read the book until you've written a note, a real envelope-and-paper, stamped, delivered note. (Also send one the day after being invited to dinner or a party.) It doesn't have to be long. It can just say "thank you so much." But thank you notes are non-negotiable: it lets the giver know you got it, that you appreciate it, and it increases the chances that you'll be invited back or given something again. Trust me on this one.

. . .

Feel free to chime in with your endorsement of whatever you agree with...you know how kids are more likely to believe something when it comes from a non-parental authority! 

p.s. Inspired by 1001 rules for my unborn son and other awesome such sites.